I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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