ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
