Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Shame - the story of my life.
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