ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
