so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
