I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
