Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
