I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
