I cannot find my penis.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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