Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
