Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
