i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
