worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Too much gin, very little bucket
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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