Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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