But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
