I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
