i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Randomize
