he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
