i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
