just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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