I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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