oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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