My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
