I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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