shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
