ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
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