just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
