my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
