If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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