So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
