it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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