Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
