just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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