I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
