Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
