Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
