I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
