Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
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