Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
