Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
