I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
