i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
