The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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