note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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