i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
