watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
