I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
