here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
