I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
