hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
